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"The Truth Is Hard To Swallow" Author: Trillian A/N: Missing scene immediately after Precious Cargo; chronologically some
time after Undiscovered Countries *~*~*~*~*~* So this is what it feels like ........ ........To be the one left behind He hadn't expected it to be this painful! Trip was lying on his back on the bunk in his quarters. He closed his eyes and let the music wash over him. To give it all you've got, then find ...... You've already changed your mind He felt another lump form in his throat. How could this have happened? And this is what it sounds like ...... Crying on the bed that we both made Sure enough, he felt another wave of pain approaching from deep within and a new rush of tears welling in his eyes. Waiting for a sign that you just can't give me ....... Any kind of sign He rolled on his side, hugged his pillow and let the tears flow freely. And I don't wanna be here wide-awake ... Clinging to a love that can't be saved The desperation in the words surrounding him turned into his own, and his silent tears turned into loud and pain-relieving sobs. And hanging off the edge of every word that you say His last conversation with Malcolm had been so very painful. And he knew he had deserved it. And so I asked myself, "Do I love you so much .... That I'm willing to let you go?" 'Yes, I love you Malcolm.' And at the tip of my tongue the answer was "yes" 'NO! Crap! I don't wanna lose you.' But, at the bottom of my heart I'm wondering... 'How ... could this have happened?' Did I say that? He couldn't believe he really did this. Did I say that? But he did. Why the hell couldn't he switch on his brain before opening his mouth? Or his pants, for that matter .... Sometimes you know I over react ... And what I say is not a matter of fact ... And I wish that I could take it all back And make it undone! If there only was a way to apologise. And you know I'd drag myself through fire at your side ... And you know the gates of Heaven are surely open wide Malcolm would never be able to trust him again. And I need some sympathy here ... And I need someone to call my own And letting the words carry him away, crying himself to sleep ... I'm standing in the light of my mistakes ... with the name of the man he loved on his lips... And begging you, "come home." ... Trip saw the events of the day before once more recurring within his tortured mind........ *** And I know you need some time to run and hide "Malcolm, please! Listen to me!" Trip walked fast after his lover through the corridors, not taking notice of the strange looks they received from the crewmen they passed. "No, Commander. There's nothing to say." "If you jus' let me explain...." "Explain!?" Malcolm stopped abruptly, almost causing Trip to bump into him. "There's nothing to explain, Mister Tucker. And don't you dare insult me by suggesting there is. I am neither blind nor stupid, you know. I perfectly understand what happened. An exotic setting, a beautiful girl, and there's nothing to keep you from ... " Malcolm paused and swallowed. "To keep you from totally forgetting all about... me. All about us. And that makes me think, you see. And that's what you should do. Think. If you haven't been able to do so when that woman was coming on to you, maybe now that you've cooled down a bit you might be. Maybe now you should take the time to ... reconsider. And don't worry about me disturbing you in the process, Mister Tucker. Because you won't see very much of me in the near future, be assured." But the truth is hard to swallow when you're choking on your pride With this he turned around and left Trip standing in the corridor, speechless, shocked, heart-broken. Well aware of what he had done. Though still not willing to regret it, yet. So I asked myself, "Do I love you so much ... That I'm willing to let you go?" And that sure made him think. And at the tip of my tongue the answer was "yes" It had taken him so much time and courage to confess to Malcolm how he felt about him. Time during which he had grown fond of him more and more, up to a point when he was able and willing to say "I love you" to this man. Did I say that? To a man for the first time in his life. Did I say that? And he had been so sure. Sometimes you know I over react ... And what I say is not a matter of fact ... And I wish that I could take it all back And still was! He loved him! He was totally convinced of it, now that Malcolm had turned his back on him, had left him standing there with his heart torn out of his chest and trampeled on. But I said that But wasn't that what HE had done? Broken Malcolm's heart and trampeled on it? And I wish I could take it all back It was true, though. He just hadn't been able to help it. And I need some sympathy here That woman had been extremely beautiful. Constantly behaving like she was suffering a severe case of PMS, but maybe that's what princesses were like, he didn't know. And I want a love to call my own.... When she had grabbed and kissed him he had hesitated for just the fraction of a second before kissing her back. She had felt so warm and soft, wild, almost violent all the same, but that hadn't put him off in the least. It was totally different to anything he had experienced before, with any girl he'd ever had, few as there might have been, or with Malcolm. With her it had been pure lust, a mere giving in to their animalistic desires, not wasting a thought about the consequences. Hadn't she threatened earlier someone would cut off his hand? Then and there he hadn't cared. He hadn't thought. He had just ... sensed. I wanna take you in the back seat now.... It had been wild and fast and breathtaking. It had totally lacked the gentle and long-drawn foreplay he always enjoyed with Malcolm. Malcolm. He hadn't lost a single thought about him. He had just given in to Kaitaama's urges, responding to them in the same way and with the same urgency. He couldn't even recall now how they had managed to get out of their clothes fast enough. But she hadn't been wearing much anyway, and he had a glimpse of memory that he had hardly gotten that soft fabric over her head without tearing it. He certainly had a few minutes of memories missing what the time between getting her out of her dress and helping her get him out of his uniform and underpants was concerned. And slowly drive you home But he definitely recalled her sitting astride him, naked, looking down at him with passion-veiled eyes, moving her hands up and down his sweat-covered chest and stomach a few times, and leaning forward to kiss him wildly once more, before she had finally reached down to slowly assist him to enter her deeply. From then on, his memories were blurred again. He had just let the passion wash over him in ever-increasing waves, his hands firmly grasping her hips to make her quicken the rhythm of her movements, at the same time trying to push as hard as he could, pinned down as he was in that somewhat restrictive position. He had a recollection of having heard her gasp, then give a low cry, the moans of his own approaching climax filling his head. Eventually he had felt himself being pushed over the edge into an engulfing ocean of hot ecstasy. Kaitaama had collapsed onto him and they had rested for a while in each other's embrace, panting, before cleaning up and getting dressed again to at least a half-decent degree, their still wet clothes hanging in the trees to dry. And I know you need some time to run and hide And that was how they had been found not only by Kaitaama's kidnapper, but also by... Trip wasn't sure who else had been there. Jon, definitely, and Malcolm. His Malcolm, with that look in his eyes. The look of concern rapidly changing into one of shock. He had just stood there, gun in his hand and a cold smile on his lips. But the truth is hard to swallow when you're choking on your pride Trip and Malcolm hadn't spoken one word on their way back to Enterprise. Malcolm had even refused to look at Trip. He had been busying himself with whatever instruments and consoles might have to be checked and worked on during their flight. Jon had asked questions and made remarks all the time, about their escape from the cargo ship, how Trip had managed to steer the escape pod and land it without killing them, and whether it had been an interesting if unintentional away mission. 'Shut up! Oh my God, shut up!' Trip had thought, as the realisation of what he had done came crashing down on him. He had closed his eyes, feeling his face turn red and hot, and prayed for this journey to be over as soon as possible. *** Trip opened his eyes and had some problems realising where he was. He was in his quarters, lying on his bunk, the same song still playing. 'Can't have been asleep that long then,' he thought. 'Oh God, why did I have to wake up at all.' And I don't want to be this wide-awake Fighting? He hadn't really fought yet, had he? He had just stood there, letting Malcolm's pain and anger hail down on him, choking on his own words, and his pride. Pride! To hell with it! He jumped up and threw the pillow which he had still been hugging into a corner. And hanging off the edge of every word you say He suddenly knew he had to talk to Malcolm. Now. If he wanted to save anything that he had put at stake in that one night, he had to get his lover to listen to him. Listen to him saying what? And I don't wanna be this complicating This was even harder than admitting his feelings to his friend in the first place. You can drag it out but I'll be waiting Apologise? Beg his forgiveness? Try to find excuses? How pathetic! I stumbled on "I love you" tonight That was it! Of course. Trip ran towards the door and pushed the button, letting the words of the song follow him into the corridor. But it sounded like goodbye 'Nonsense! That's perfect!' Although he couldn't hear the music anymore as he hasted around the corners towards his lover's quarters, the words were reverberating in his mind, making him adjust his pace to their rhythm. This time I'm not letting go. This time I'll have and I'll hold. This time I'm walking through fire. This time I'll feed your desire. This time I'll stand by your side. This time I will be your pride. This time I'm not letting go. This time I'll have and I'll hold. This time I'm walking through fire. And I wish that I could take it all back. Finally he arrived at Malcolm's door. He took a deep breath and lifted his hand to press the button that would announce his presence. Voices from within made him stop in his movement. He leaned his head forward, his forehead almost touching the door. He couldn't make out anything they said, but he could distinguish two different voices, male voices, chatting, laughing, whispering, moaning .... Trip stood paralysed, eyes wide with shock and disbelief, he wasn't sure how long, but eventually he dropped his hand and turned away from the door. He managed to take a few steps, before he started swaying under the impact of pain and regret and had to lean against the wall for support. He let himself slide down to the floor, not caring whether anyone would find him there like this. Not caring about anything but the man on the other side of that wall, the man that definitely wasn't his anymore, he buried his face in his hands, letting the tears flow freely once more. So this is what it feels like
"Errant Trips" is a continuation of this story
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