" My Heart Is Hurtin’ "

Author - Li | Genre - Angst | Main Story | Rating - G
Trip * Malcolm Fanfic Home

Author's e-mail: keattrin@hotmail.com
Category: Angst (Trip)
Rating: G
Beta: stubadingdong
Spoilers: Cogenitor
Note: Thank you to pookha_hare and MoulinRouge for giving me the idea for this one.

Disclaimer: Enterprise, the series, concepts and characters, are the property, copyright and trademark of Paramount/Viacom. No ownership or claim on said property, copyright or trademark is made or implied by the use of these characters in this story. This story is non-commercial, not for sale or profit, and may not be sold or reproduced for commercial purposes.

In other words, I like using these characters in stories I’d never see on TV.

This is a section from the last scene in Cogenitor:

**Trip and Jon are in Jon’s quarters- Trip has just been told of the Cogenitor’s suicide.

“It’s time you learned to weigh the possible repercussions of your actions. You’ve always been impulsive. Maybe this will teach you a lesson.” Pain and anguish are evident in Jon’s face

At a loss for words, Trip utters, “I understand…”

“Do you? I’m not so sure you do. You knew you had no business interfering with those people. But you just couldn’t let it alone. You thought you were doing the right thing. I might agree, if it was Florida…or Singapore. But it’s not, is it? We’re in deep space and a person is dead-a person who’d still be alive if we hadn’t made first contact. I guess I haven’t been very successful in getting through to you. If I had, you would’ve thought a lot harder before doing what you did.”

Trip searches Jon’s eyes. “You’re not responsible…”

Jon looks at Trip, not sure what else to say. “Dismissed,” he whispers and turns toward the window.

Trip wonders why Jon won’t talk to him anymore. “Cap’n?”

He waits a few moments, but when Jon doesn’t turn around he leaves.**

Trip could hardly believe what had happened. He replayed the conversation over and over in his mind, and kept seeing the anger, frustration, and profound sadness in Jon’s eyes as he conveyed to Trip of his disappointment in him. Leaning against the wall for support, he focused down the long hallway. He was afraid to go back to his quarters, where the Cogenitor had been a few hours before. He felt a burning in his heart and emptiness in the pit of his stomach. Where could he go? Who could he talk to about this? Unbidden, an image formed in his mind. An image of a man who knew all about regrets and anguish.


Malcolm was in his quarters, getting ready for bed. He straightened out the books on his night table. As he was doing so, the chime sounded. Who could it be at this time of night?

He went to the door and opened it. Trip was standing in front of him; ashen-faced, with shoulders hunched, and a haunted look in his eyes. Taken aback, Malcolm quickly grabbed his wrist and pulled him inside.

“My God, Trip, what’s happened?”

Trip looked around Malcolm’s quarters, not focusing. Malcolm took him by the wrist and led him to his bed, sitting him down. Malcolm rolled his desk chair over next to Trip and sat down.

“Did something happen to your family? Trip, please tell me what’s going on! I’ve never seen you like this.”

Trip sighed and looked over at Malcolm. “The Cogenitor. She’s dead. She committed suicide…”with that word, Trip’s voice broke, and unable to contain himself, he buried his head in his hands. A strangled sob came from deep within him.

Suddenly, he grabbed Malcolm’s front shirt. “I killed her Malcolm. I just wanted her to be free, to learn to think for herself. How could I be so…?” A pained expression crossed his handsome features and he turned away, letting Malcolm go.

What a shock. Malcolm hadn’t expected anything like that to come out of Trip. He had heard about how Trip was no longer welcome on the Vissian ship, and the Cogenitor’s request for asylum, but he didn’t know how much Trip had to do with all of it. They hadn’t talked in quite a while, not since first contact with the Vissians. Malcolm had been busy with the Vissian tactical officer, showing her the Armory, and other, more personal things. He hadn’t been available for Trip, even if Trip needed to talk him. He reddened at the thought that Trip might have wanted to talk to him about his involvement with the Cogenitor, yet he had been unavailable. Shifting in his chair, Malcolm wasn’t sure what to say to Trip to make him feel better.

“Trip, you’ve always looked out for the underdog. Look at me. You’ve taken me under your wing, so to speak, and helped me come out of my shell. You did this out of kindness – or maybe I was a good project to work on. Whatever the case, because of you I’m starting to come out of my shell and have friends-I finally feel like I belong somewhere. You just wanted the best for the Cogenitor. You just want the best for everyone. I’m just so sorry that it had to end like this for you…and her.” Malcolm hesitantly put his hand on Trip’s shoulder.

“Malcolm, you should have seen him. The Cap’n. He was so angry and hurt that because of me someone took its life, and someone else won’t be born for a long time. Maybe it’s time I stopped fightin’ for the underdog. Just leave well enough alone.” Trip ran his hand through his hair, letting out a loud sigh. He looked around the room, agitated, restless.

“I don’t believe that! You had only the best intentions in mind…”

Trip interrupted Malcolm. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions, Malcolm. Ever hear that sayin’? I never believed it ‘til now.”

“Your friendship with Captain Archer will survive. It may get stronger, since both of you have learned from this awful mess.”

“No, Malcolm, there was somethin’ in his eyes that I just can’t explain. What am I going to do, how am I goin’ to save it? I embarrassed him today with the Cogenitor’s suicide-the buck stops with him on everything this crew does.” Trip shook his head, and looked up to the ceiling, as if asking for help from God Himself.

Malcolm gathered up all the strength and courage he had, willing it to transfer over to Trip. “Listen to me. You will survive this. Your friendship with the Captain will survive this. We don’t know why the Cogenitor took her own life. You don’t know what those people said to her, or may have done to her, for her to come to that conclusion.

“Captain Archer is feeling badly right now, but he will come around. He knows the responsibilities that a captain must face. He know there are things that a member of a crew will do that he doesn’t like or agree with. But he has to learn that he can’t always control his crew’s actions.

“I can only imagine what you must be feeling like right now. But I’m here now. I will support you in any way that I can.”

Tears rolled slowly down Trip’s face. “My heart is hurtin’, Malcolm. I’ve never felt like this before.” He mustered a smile. “You’re a good friend Malcolm. Thanks for bein’ here to listen to me.” Trip started to get up from the bed. He really didn’t want to go, but he didn’t want to burden Malcolm anymore.

“Where are you going?”

“Somewhere…maybe engineerin’. I’ll try to tinker with something. Get my mind off it.”

Malcolm was afraid to let him go. He didn’t know why. He just knew at that moment not to let Trip out of his sight. “Stay here. You can sleep in my bed. I’ll grab a sleeping bag and crash on the floor. Don’t leave, Trip. It’s not a good idea,” he implored.

Trip looked at Malcolm intently, his expressive eyebrows slightly furrowed. It occurred to him that Malcolm was afraid that if he let Trip go he would do something he regretted. What, he didn’t know, and he suspected that Malcolm didn’t either. It didn’t matter. He would stay.

“Okay,” Trip nodded his head.

Relief spread across Malcolm’s features like a ray of sunshine. It felt good to comfort his friend; it felt good that out of everyone on the ship, Trip had come to him to talk about this. Strange, it was the same satisfaction that he felt after working on his weapons’ upgrades.

As Malcolm got his sleeping bag out of the closet, Trip undressed down to his blues. He watched Malcolm for a minute, wishing he could hug him to thank him for being such a good friend. He got under the covers. Malcolm turned out the lights and got in the bag. He lay there, in the dark, listening for signs that Trip had fallen asleep.

“Hey, Malcolm? Thanks for bein’ such a good friend. I really appreciate it.”

“You’re quite welcome, Trip. Now go to sleep; we’ll talk more in the morning. Good night.”

“Good night.” Trip let out a slow breath, grateful he had made the right choice by coming here.

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