"Something Borrowed, Something Green"

Author - Carol | Genre - Humor | Main Story | Rating - PG-13
Trip * Malcolm Fanfic Home

Author: Carol
Author's e-mail: carol@wrhpv.com
Rating: PG-13
Category: Slash/Humor
Summary: It's confetti time. Weddingfic.
Sequel to: Blame It On The Chocolate

T*M Disclaimer: Enterprise, the series, concepts and characters, are the property, copyright and trademark of Paramount/Viacom. No ownership or claim on said property, copyright or trademark is made or implied by the use of these characters in this story. This story is non-commercial, not for sale or profit, and may not be sold or reproduced for commercial purposes.

Comments: Weddingfic. Excessive silliness. Some people (they know who they are) asked for the wedding. Blame them. Might make a bit more sense if you've read "The Merry Month" and "Blame It On The Chocolate" first. Not *much* more sense though.


Captain Jonathan Archer leaned against the recently returned shuttlepod and wondered whether to laugh, cry or just beat himself to death with his copy of "Interstellar Diplomacy for Beginners--Volume 1--Don't Mention the Ungulates.". T'Pol had recently given him the book. Sometimes he had the oddest feeling that she was trying to tell him something. But what? He rubbed his eyes, as if doing so would make the two embarassed officers standing in front of him disappear.

"All right," he addressed them, tiredly, "Explain to me, slowly and carefully, why you left this morning to visit a nice, simple exhibition of Kelakkan weapons, and came back painted green and chained together?"

"It's symbolic Captain."

"That's what you said before, Malcolm. It's not any more informative the second time. Would you mind telling me what it's symbolic of, other than the fact that you're both experts at getting into trouble?"

"We ain't in trouble Cap'n." Trip glanced at Jon's clearly displeased expression and added, "Well, not with the Kelakkans anyhow. They like us."

Jon looked again at his chief engineer and his armory officer. They were both shirtless, and elaborate green swirling patterns had been painted across their torsos. Jon wasn't positive, because staring at the designs for too long made his eyes water, but some of them appeared to extend below the trouser line. Trip's right wrist bore a slim lightweight cuff of a silvery-greenish metal which was connected by a short, thin chain to an identical cuff on Malcolm's left. Unidentified bits of vegetation were tangled in the chain. Some of them could conceivably have been flowers in a previous life. Trip's decorations were completed by a rapidly darkening bruise around his right eye.

Indicating this last, Jon remarked, "In that case, I'd hate to see what they do to people they don't like, Trip."

"Oh, that weren't their fault--I forgot about the cuffs fer a minute an' tried to scratch my nose..."

"...and hit himself in the face with my hand." Malcolm sighed. "We really need to get these blasted things off before you do yourself some serious damage."

"Yeah, I know. It just seemed kinda rude to take 'em off before we left the planet, after they went to so much trouble to throw us an engagement party."

Jon stared at him as if he'd just declared himself to be the Emperor of Brussel Sprouts.

"They did what?"

Trip drew a deep breath. "Well, it's like this Cap'n...You know how the Kelakkans have those tentacle things on their faces?"

Jon frowned at this apparent non sequitur, but nodded.

"Well, apparently when a Kelakkan likes another Kelakkan a whole bunch and wants to spend the rest of their lives together, they go up to the other person and...kinda entwine tentacles with them. It's their way of proposin'."

"And so, when Trip kissed me in the museum, our tour guide, Minaka, assumed that because we don't have tentacles, that was the human equivalent." Malcolm chipped in, blushing only slightly. After the day he'd had, he was pretty much blushed out.

"An' they insisted on throwin' an engagement party for us right then and there. It was real nice of them. But they want us to go back in three days for the weddin'"

"Didn't you explain that the human system is diff...--wait a minute! You kissed Malcolm? In the museum? What were you thinking?"

Trip grinned, only a little shamefacedly, "You really want me to answer that last one Cap'n?"

"On reflection, no. In fact, definitely not. And that's an order."

"To answer your first question Captain, we did try to tell them that humans normally do things rather differently, but they were so enthusiastic they didn't seem to be listening very well. And once the party started it seemed churlish to persist. After all, we didn't want to offend them, when they were so nice about us accidentally destroying their communications satellite."

"All right Malcolm. I've already agreed it was a bad idea to let Doctor Phlox take piloting lessons near an inhabited world, there's no need to keep bringing it up. And, since we can't offend the Kelakkans, I guess you two had better go and get the wedding preparations under way. " Jon smirked.

The two men stared at him in disbelief. Both of them had expected that the Captain would prevent, or more accurately, save them from, the upcoming wedding, either by explaining the human system to the Kelakkans in interminable detail, with occasional diversions into zoology, or by pleading an urgent errand elsewhere.

"Far be it from me to stand in the way of true love." he continued, airily, "Perhaps this will make you look before you leap, in future, Trip."

"I think we need to leap into the shower about now," Trip decided, " I'm not sure what that stuff was they were sprinklin' on us at the party but it stinks!"

"After we get the cuffs off." Malcolm insisted.

Trip grinned at him. "Spoilsport!"


"So, does Trip get to carry you across the threshold of your new quarters?" Hoshi asked brightly, at breakfast the following morning.

Malcolm looked up from the padd he was studying.

"Not unless he wants to wear his liver for a hat." he said, perfectly calmly. Then the full import of her words registered. "Hang on--what new quarters?"

"Hasn't the Captain told you? It's his wedding present to the two of you--he's having two cabins linked together so you don't have to trek between each other's quarters all the time. Isn't it sweet of him?"

"Positively saccharine. " Malcolm growled. "I do believe he's enjoying this. Hmmph!"

"And you're not?" Hoshi smiled.

"Oh, of course I am. It's not as though I was planning to spend the next two days doing something useful, like, oh, overhauling the aft phase cannon, instead of researching Kelakkan wedding etiquette. " He made a disgusted gesture towards the padd.

"Surely Tanner and Sinclair can cope with that while you're busy?"

"I'm sure they could--if they weren't fully occupied in making streamers, banners and confetti. Naturally, I wouldn't dream of dragging them away from such vital tasks." Malcolm appeared to be in danger of using up the ship's entire supply of sarcasm in one fell swoop.

"They're taking it well then?"

"If you call diving into the preparations with maniacal glee "taking it well", then I suppose they are, yes." He shuddered at the memory of his staff attempting to sing "Get Me To The Church On Time" in "authentic" Cockney accents. The fact that Sinclair was tone-deaf hadn't helped either.

"Only I hear Commander Tucker had a little trouble with one of his staff."

"Oh?" Malcolm's expression boded ill for the crewperson in question. "Who?"

"Crewman Su, apparently. He's asked for a transfer at the earliest opportunity."
"Really? I'd never have thought Mheri was a homophobe."

"He's not. Apparently he's upset because he's had a crush on you for months and.... you know, if the wind changes your face will get stuck like that."


"No. No. No. And furthermore, NO!"

People around over the mess hall looked up from their lunches in surprise at Malcolm's outburst. Hoshi turned to Travis.

"I think Malcolm just saw the pictures of the traditional Kelakkan wedding outfits." she grinned.

Travis grinned back.

"They are kind of...brief...aren't they? Still, it could be worse--Doctor Phlox was telling me this morning about a species who get married completely nude."

"Now that I'd pay to see." Hoshi giggled

"Hey, they're both spoken for, remember?"

"Yeah, I know, but a girl can dream, can't she?"

"I guess so. How long do you think it'll take Commander Tucker to talk him into wearing it after all?". Travis could see Trip making placatory gestures across the room.

"What makes you think there'll be talking involved?"


"Ow! Mind where you're sticking that thing Travis!"

"I'm never gonna get this right if you don't keep still Malcolm."

"It tickles. It was bad enough the first time, but at least Minaka knew what he was doing."

"Don't be such a baby. You didn't even complain this much when you had a bit of Romulan mine stuck through your leg."

"I didn't look like a complete berk then! Or if I did, there wasn't anyone there to see it. Except the Captain. And a shipload of invisible Romulans if they'd cared to look... Can't you just go out there and tell everybody that I died suddenly or something?" Malcolm added, hopefully.

"Of what? A freak body paint accident?" Travis replied, sceptically, waving the brush with which he was attempting to recreate the green swirling designs of the Kelakkan betrothal ceremony on Malcolm's skin. "Now keep still or I'll get Hoshi to do the last bit. And don't think she wouldn't jump at the chance."

"Travis, I can't do this."

"Sure you can. You just have to keep still while I do this last twiddly bit and..."

"No, not that. The whole thing, the wedding. We've only been on one date for goodness sake! And I didn't even know it was a date until he kissed me!"

"Who did you go to movie night with last time you went?"

"Trip. Why?"

"Who did you go on shore leave with on Risa?"

"Trip, but..."

"Who's dragged you kicking and snarking to every party we've had on board since we left spacedock?"

"Um...you at least once, but, yes, mostly Trip I suppose..."

"You see? You've been dating him practically since you first met--it's just that neither of you realised it 'til now. And besides, you can't back out now, the Kelakkans would be offended--although the way you two argue, it's a wonder they didn't think you were already married."

"Wonderful. So I have to get married to avoid upsetting the neighbours. Hardly romantic is it?"

Travis smiled indulgently at his friend. "Put it this way Malcolm--do you really think Trip would go through all this crap if he didn't love you?"

"I...I...suppose not..."

"Right. So let's just get your skirt on..."

"Kilt. It's a kilt Travis."

"Whatever you say Malcolm," Travis chuckled, passing him the offending garment. "Whatever you say."


Trip tugged irritably at the hem of his kilt. The soft green fabric was a perfect match for the painted designs on his torso, but it barely reached to mid-thigh.

"Hell, Jon, I look like a complete idiot. Why'd these things hafta be so damned short anyhow?"

"T'pol was telling me about that--apparently there was a time in Kelakkan history when there were hundreds of ongoing feuds between various families. Every now and then they'd arrange a marriage to try to end one of the feuds. Originally everybody attending had to wear the kilts, to show they weren't carrying any...ahem...concealed weapons."

"Huh. They got that right. This thing don't conceal much of anything. They could've at least let us wear our blues underneath. Heck, if it's as cold out there as it was at the engagement party we're gonna be blue underneath..."

"That should set the green off nicely then."

That prompted a wry chuckle. "Yeah, the wedding pictures are really gonna be somethin' else. Lord knows what my folks will think when they see 'em."

"I expect they'll just be glad you're happy. You are happy, right?" a slight note of worry tinged the Captain's voice--he'd all but forced his friend into this, so if it all went pear- shaped he was going to feel more than a little guilty.

"Well...I hadn't exactly expected to be gettin' married this week, but...yeah, I'm happy. I just hope Malcolm is too."

"Knowing Malcolm he's sulking and complaining right now, but I doubt he'd put up with this for a minute if he didn't want to make you happy."

"You think so? Damn this lace thing, it's come undone again"

"Trip, don't bend...I think perhaps you should have knocked, T'Pol."

"So I see. My apologies. I came to inform you that everything is ready and the ceremony is about to begin. When Commander Tucker has finished fastening his sandals of course."

"Sorry T'Pol I didn't know anyone was there, I..."

"It is of no consequence. However, I would be grateful if you would refrain from
mentioning this to Ensign Sato."

"Well sure. Not gonna mention it to anyone if I can help it."

"What's Hoshi got to do with it?" Jon enquired, puzzled.

"If she hears about this incident, she is sure to berate me for failing to carry a camera."


As Trip and Jon entered the main hall of the museum, they saw that Malcolm and Travis were already waiting by the small table that was to serve as an altar. Cold as it was, Trip found that he was beginning to stand up and take notice at the sight of Malcolm dressed in only the brief Kelakkan kilt and sandals. The green curlicues, even though less than expertly applied, seemed to emphasise his compact musculature perfectly. He looked amazing, Trip thought, even allowing for his help-get-me-out-of-here expression. // Damn. // Trip thought, not for the first time, //What if Malcolm's only goin' through with this so as not to upset the Kelakkans?//

At this point Malcolm looked round, and the smile that swept over his face as he saw Trip sent that thought skittering back under a rock where it belonged. Trip wondered who had stolen his knees and replaced them with jello while he wasn't looking. Dirty trick to play on a man on his wedding day if you asked him.

The ceremony itself went past in a confused blur. Trip was pretty sure he said "Yes" in all the right places, because nobody was shouting at him, but beyond that he couldn't have said what happened. His attention was so completely focused on his soon-to-be-husband that the Kelakkan Arbiter performing the ceremony could have turned into a giant artichoke halfway through and Trip probably wouldn't have noticed. The first thing that really registered was the quiet clicks of the ceremonial bracelets closing around their wrists. //Hot damn!// he thought, in a combination of awe and trepidation //We're married. We're really married!//


Malcolm promised himself grimly that the next time someone used the phrase "blushing bride" in his hearing there would be bloodshed. Preferably with a side order of mayhem. The main thing that had prevented it thus far was the warm fuzzy glow that pervaded him whenever he looked at his new husband. Not that he'd had much chance to do that for the last hour or so either, but the memory of the slightly stunned but frankly adoring look that Trip had carried on his face throughout the ceremony worked nearly as well. That look had swept away all Malcolm's remaining misgivings and left him in no doubt as to Trip's feelings. Getting married was probably still a bit premature, he reflected, but then neither of them was exactly reknowned for doing things the sensible way. Besides, that was something to worry about later on--just now, his main concern was to get somewhere where he could get out of the ridiculous costume he was still wearing and into something more comfortable. Trip, for preference.

He'd hoped the reception back on Enterprise would be a relatively brief affair, but the crew had seized on the excuse for a celebration with gusto and were throwing themselves enthusiastically into entertaining their Kelakkan guests. At least the Captain's speech had been mercifully short, with no mention of small hooved mammals, and Travis had refrained from including any of the really embarassing anecdotes in his, so Malcolm would be spared the effort of filling the young Ensign's bunk with mashed potatoes in retaliation at some future date. Although he definitely needed to have a quiet word with whoever was responsible for the banner that read "Starfleet Officers Do It At Warp Five!"

After the speeches, though, he and Trip had been released from the ceremonial bracelets, dragged off in different directions and instructed to "mingle". Huh. The Kelakkans were nice people, but Malcolm was beginning to hate their traditions. There was only one person here he wanted to mingle with, and he wasn't planning on doing it in public, thank you very much. Although if he had to wait much longer...he had a sudden, overwhelming mental image of himself, bending Trip over the buffet table and using the garlic dip for purposes that Chef had almost certainly not had in mind when he made it, and had to grip the back of a nearby chair and think determinedly about Ambassador Soval dancing the can-can until his breathing returned to normal and he was able to move again without people having to wonder why his kilt was levitating.

Malcolm scanned the room, more determined than ever to find Trip so they could make their escape. He was becoming increasingly convinced that the whole wedding reception was an evil plot to cause both bridegrooms to die of frustration. Between the soft fabric of the kilt stroking him as he moved, the occasional tantalising glimpse of Trip across the room in his equally brief outfit, and his own unhelpful imagination Malcolm feared the plot wasn't far from succeeding in his case.

He spotted the Captain almost immediately, absorbed in conversation with the statuesque Minister of External Affairs . Judging by the way her cerise tentacles were stroking the Captain's cheek, and her arm was encircling his waist, she was definitely in the right job.

Hoshi's voice by his ear nearly made him drop the drink he hadn't touched for at least half an hour.

"The Captain's just promised Minister Kellita a tour of the ship. I bet they don't get past the Captain's quarters." she smirked.

Malcolm watched the Captain reach up to straighten a misplaced lock of pale pink hair in the Minister's elaborate coiffure.

"You think they'll get that far?" he asked dubiously.

"Well...maybe...Speaking of which, I've been sent to fetch you for your grand sendoff." Hoshi's smile seemed more than a little fixed, Malcolm noted.

"I'm not going to be happy about this, am I?" "Put it this way...you may have to start a new fashion in internal organ headgear..."


The door to their new quarters closed behind them, shutting out the cheers and catcalls from the assembled wedding guests. They were alone. Finally. Trip deposited Malcolm gently back on his feet and stepped back slightly, suddenly nervous and uncertain. In the whirlwind of preparations he and Malcolm had barely exchanged three words, about matters unrelated to wedding arrangements, in as many days. Now they had plenty of time to talk, and suddenly the words had all gone into hiding.

Trip eventually broke the silence. "I guess we should get this green stuff washed off before it starts itchin'. You want to use the shower first?"

Malcolm smirked back at him. "That stuff's edible you know."

"It is? I mean, Malcolm, just because we're married doesn't mean we hafta...that is, I know things happened kinda fast, so if you're not ready..."

Malcolm gave him a look comprised of equal parts exasperation and affection. "Are you completely insane?"

"Yeah, probably."

"Never mind. I love you anyway. Now for goodness sake come here and let me prove it."

And for once in his life, Trip Tucker did exactly as he was told.

~the end~


This material is posted here with the author's express permission. Please do not repost this material without permission directly from the author.

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A handful of people have made comments

"Malcolm promised himself grimly that the next time someone used the phrase "blushing bride" in his hearing there would be bloodshed. Preferably with a side order of mayhem."-Excellent! Very in character.
Great job! Snickering was the order of the evening, I think. A true joy to read. Thanks so much!

"you know, if the wind changes your face will get stuck like that."

my coworkers are wondering I'm laughing so hard. wonderful! very funny. captured everyone spot-on.

Ambassador Soval dancing the can-can?
Hilarious! Just like the entire story. Truly wonderful.

I just thought of something, Carol.
How about doing a sequel about the two of them moving into these bigger quaters . . . They would propably get on each others nerves after a while and argue about decorations, furniture and stuff. Could be quite funny!

Aboutsely brillant

I have never laughed sooo much in ages I now have hic cups



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