"No Wing, Just A Prayer"

Author - Alison D. | Genre - Humor | Main Story | Rating - R
Trip * Malcolm Fanfic Home

Rating: 'R' for swearwords and some coarse language
Archive: Yes. Just let me know where.
Feedback: Welcomed
Email: AlisonMDobell@aol.com
WEBSITE: http://carlajane.50megs.com/Ali00.html

SUMMARY: "How Lt Reed and Commander Tucker really passed the time in 'Shuttlepod One' when they thought they were going to die."

The usual disclaimers apply. The characters and 'Enterprise' are the property of Paramount. No infringement of copyright is intended.

* * * * *

Commander Tucker was so cold. Huddled on the floor of Shuttlepod One, teeth chattering, clutching a flimsy blanket round him in a pathetic attempt to conserve whatever body heat he had left. Lt Reed was similarly handicapped against the rapidly dropping temperature. He took another swig of the Captain's whiskey and passed the bottle to his friend without so much as turning his head. That would take energy. Effort. And he had so little to spare. Shivering he voiced again his stunned reaction to Lt Reed's solution.

"I can't believe I let ya talk me into blowin' up our on'y engine."

The Lieutenant took a swig. He was rapidly getting more and more intoxicated. "It was the only thing that made sense."

Trip shot him a look of amazement. If he had more energy he would have been really pissed off with him. "To who? Not to me. Ya should have gone with my plan, it would have given ya a real chance."

"What? And let you kill yourself so I could spend twice as long dying? Hmph. I don't think much of your solution, Commander."

"It would'a doubled your air, Malcolm."

"If I'm going to die I'd rather not be alone, thank you very much."

The Commander sighed and accepted the bottle back, noticing that Malcolm's eyes were getting pretty glazed. He took a swig and was surprised when the Englishman suddenly giggled. He shot him a suspicious look. "What're you laughin' at?"

"I was just thinking. This reminds me of camping trips when I was a child."

Trip looked horrified. "Remind me never to go campin' with ya."

His friend shook his head. "No, I don't mean the freezing to death part."

"Then what do ya mean?" Glowered Trip.

"I mean being out in the middle of nowhere, having to survive by your wits..."

"Or lack of 'em."

"Now now Commander, that isn't very sporting of you."

"I don't feel like bein' sportin' Malcolm, I feel like I'm freezin' to death."

For a moment neither spoke then Lt Reed had an idea. "We should do something to keep warm."

The Commander gave him an incredulous look of horror. Lt Reed shook his head.

"Not that."

"Then what did ya have in mind?"

"I thought we could sing a few songs."

"What? Are ya crazy? We're tryin' to conserve our oxygen Malcolm not find ways to use it up faster."

A silly grin slid over Malcolm's face then he leaned his head back and started singing. "As I was walking through St Paul's, a lady grabbed me by the balls..."

Trip looked shocked. "Malcolm!"

The Armoury Officer grinned and carried on. "I cried for help but no help came and so she grabbed my balls again..."

"That's disgustin'. I thought ya were gonna sing a song?

"It *is* a song you dimwitted Yank."

"No need to get pers'nal."

"Shut up or join in. Now where was I? See what you've done? I lost my place."

The Commander muttered something but Lt Reed did not hear him. He started on another song. "Four and twenty virgins came down from Inverness and when the ball was over there were four and twenty less, singing..."

"Malcolm, do ya mind?"

"If I'm going to die, Commander, I insist on singing whatever bloody songs I want."


The Armoury Officer squinted at his friend then grinned. "I know. You'll like this one. An engineer told me before he died, arrum tiddy tiddy tiddy, rum tiddy tiddy tiddy. An engineer told me before he died of a wife he could not satisfy..."

"That is so inaccurate..."

Malcolm sniggered. "And so he built a cock of steel, arrum tiddy tiddy tiddy, rum tiddy tiddy tiddy. And so he built a cock of steel, up and down with a ruddy great wheel arrum tiddy tiddy tiddy, rum tiddy tiddy tiddy..."

Commander Tucker was chuckling now. Ludicrous and horny visions in his head addling his mind as much as the alcoholic intake.

"In and out went the cock of steel, arrum tiddy tiddy tiddy, rum tiddy tiddy tiddy. In and out went the cock of steel, round and round went the ruddy great wheel arrum tiddy tiddy tiddy, rum tiddy tiddy tiddy..."

"Where did you learn such disgustin' songs, Mal?"

"They're not disgusting." Defended the Lieutenant in a slightly wounded voice. "They're rugby songs." He paused to take another swig from the bottle before launching into another bawdy song. "Nellie the Nun, never been done, Queen of all the virgins!"

"Oh my Gawd!" Sighed Trip, closing his eyes.

"Nellie the cripple had only one nipple to feed her baby on. The poor little fucker had only one sucker but other kids had none. Oh Nellie the Nun, never been done, Queen of all the virgins...!"

"Malcolm!" Yelled Trip.

He stopped singing, momentarily confused by the exasperation in his friend's voice. "What?"

"Do ya mind?"

"You didn't like that one I take it?"

"It's hardly fittin'."

"Too graphic or not graphic enough? I can be flexible."

Trip gave him a stunned look. Not sure what the hell he meant by that. Malcolm grinned at him.

"I'm not double jointed though, before you ask."

"I wasn't gonna ask." Mumbled his friend.

There was a moment or two's blessed silence then Malcolm started singing again. "Mary of the mountain glen seduced herself with a fountain pen. The pen it broke, the ink went wild, she gave birth to a blue black child. She called the child Stephen, she called the child Stephen, she called the child Stephen, 'cause that was the name of the ink..."


He ignored the Chief Engineer's protests. "Mary of the mountain hut seduced herself with a rifle butt. The trigger caught, the gun it fired, she gave birth to a backward child. She called the child Henry, she called the child Henry, she called the child Henry, 'cause that was the name of the gun!"

"MALCOLM!" He yelled.

"What is it NOW?"

For a moment they stared at each other in matching stages of utter frustration. It was Trip who finally broke the silence. "Will ya stop with the rugby songs?"

Malcolm looked genuinely surprised then curious. "Why?"

His friend became suddenly sheepish. Would not look him in the eye. Malcolm nudged him with his shoulder, the two being sat side by side on the floor.

"Go on. What's the matter?"

Trip slowly raised his head and looked at his friend. Steeling himself to make his confession. "I don't know the words."

A huge grin slid over Malcolm Reed's face. "Is that all? Come on Commander. I'll start again and teach you the words, okay? An engineer told me before he died, arrum tiddy tiddy tiddy, rum tiddy tiddy tiddy..."

By the third verse Trip had got the hang of it and amid lots of silly laughter, swigs of whiskey and bawdy songs they realised they were actually starting to feel a bit warmer. Trip paused after the last song and smiled gently at his inebriated friend.



Another silly grin splashed itself over Malcolm's face only this one seemed as if it might stay. "What're friends for?"

* * * * *

This material is posted here with the author's express permission. Please do not repost this material without permission directly from the author.

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Seven people have made comments

LOL! Very funny - who would've thought those words (songs) would come from Malcolm Reed's mouth! And then Trip upset because he didn't know the words! haha!

I love this story and can definately picture the two singing these type of songs. Absolutely bloody marvelous.
I've been to some rugby matches and yes they do sing songs just as graphic as these.
Ah the memories.

Hopefully, you'll be adding more soon?? How do the songs end, with each of them huddled together singing as they black out, with silly grins on their faces? Does Malcolm succumb first, or does Trip? Do they keep each other going, and then slide over into the blackness together?
If one blacks out first, does the other shed a tear or two? The evidence would be interesting for Archer to find when the two are rescued...or in your version, *are they*??

Eagerly hopeful that these bunnies birth more for you!

god even my anti-startek m8s read that 1 with me, btw way of my m8s 2% r anti-st ive got the others on my side

I was just trawling, actually looking for the complete words to 'Nellie the Cripple' (pathetic I know) when I 'tripped' over your highly amusing anecdote. Cheers, John.


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